The Soul Calibur Diaries
by Pureauthor
Summary: Nothing I can say will make it NOT seem like another hack 'humor' writer who wouldn't know humor if it bit him on the bum. Just read, okay?
1. Cassandra

The SC diaries

(X)

Thought I'd try my hand at Soul Calibur humor. Let's get on with it, huh?

Disclaimer: I own diddly squat.

(X)

Cassandra

(X)

Day 1

Sis sure is a long time getting the milk. It's been three months since she set out.

* * *

Day 2

Sis came back yesterday, being carried by Asian woman that needs to find a bra. Was apparently sidetracked on quest of getting the milk by quest of saving the world from an evil, demonically charged blade. Got badly wounded in the process and required bra lady to save her butt.

And she forgot the milk too. Stupid sis.

_

* * *

Three years later…_

* * *

Day 1

Sis gone again. She's never going to hang on to Rothion at this rate.

* * *

Day 3

Was once again sent on quest to save world from evil blade. Just returned and told me that land has been cleansed of evil influence. Said Gods told her to use a divinely forged weapon to smash the sword into itty-bitty pieces.

Need to remind Lucius to stop putting 'medicinal' herbs in Sophie's drink.

_

* * *

Four years later…_

* * *

Day 1

Rothion brought home piece of scrap metal today. Sis took one look at it and started shrieking. I know she's a neat freak, but seriously, it's just a piece of metal!

Correction, piece of evil, demonically charged blade. Well, it's a _good_ thing if it's in pieces, right?

Or not. Pyrrha and Patroklus have gone nuts. And I don't mean 'terrible twos' nuts. One of them attempted to decapitate dad with a dinner plate. Have decided this warrants my attention

Have been to temple of god of the forge, Have-feet-dust or something like that. Divine weapons still in V. good shape. Decided to take them so I can go on epic quest like sis. Ha!

* * *

Day 2

Have begun to think epic quests aren't all they're cracked up to be.

* * *

Day 3

Am hopelessly lost.

* * *

Day 12

Do people have black hair in Europe? I went up to one guy in this town to ask him where I was, and he was like, _xiao jie, ni suo se mo?_ Decided to backtrack. It's safer.

* * *

Day 35

For inexplicable reason, backtracking ended up with me in England, a tiny little island off the coast of Europe. Have begun to formulate theory that I have to directional sense whatsoever.

* * *

Day 36

Had duel with woman who fell into a vat of milk head-first when she was young. She said that I was 'corrupted with the malignant influence of the evil shards'. I think it means that I have a piece of metal in my pack. Mastery of English language not good. May have to find willing tutor.

Despite having no battle experience whatsoever, managed to kick her ass.

* * *

Day 62

Theory of lack of directional sense now proven. Am now in a 'New World', in the company of a guy who's vocabulary is apparently limited to grunts, snarls, and the occasional 'Bangoo!' whatever _that_ means. He's got a great bod, however.

Okay, Cass. _Stop_ thinking like that.

* * *

Day 75

Found way back to Europe. Ended up in a duel with a guy using a staff that he calls Kelly Yoogar. Funny name.

Due to guy's extreme hotness and that fact that he was bare-chested, lost duel and nearly ended up with broken leg. Have formulated theory about how have stunted hormonal growth, and they are now rushing to the fray, causing me to be extremely attracted to guys. Nothing I can't handle, though. Nope. Nothing to be worried about.

* * *

Day 76

I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT SEX OBSSESSED I AM NOT

* * *

Day 77

I am _so_ in denial.

* * *

Day 78

Ho-hum, another duel with prissy asshole wielding a Rapier. Kicked his ass, and relocated Rapier up his glory hole. Many may be forgiven for thinking he has just had a vasectomy. I'm _good._

On plus side, he had a nice body. Too bad it's covered up…

* * *

Day 80

Have just realized that I have no idea where on earth evil, demonically charged blade is. Should probably ask around. Maybe some of the people I dueled can help me…

* * *

Day 81

Met hot guy called Macks See and staff guy. Gave me directions to last known area of evil sword. Was not paying very close attention to directions as I was too busy staring at their bare torsos.

On plus side, discovered that evil sword is called Soul Edge, and wielder is called Nightmare.

His parents must have hated him.

* * *

Day 91

Came across destroyed village. Must be work of Nightmare. Believe myself to be hot on his trail.

* * *

Day 92

Two more destroyed villages. Either Nightmare, or the city planning councils suck.

* * *

Day 94

Caught sight of Nightmare in the distance. Another couple of days and I'll catch up to him, I guess.

* * *

Day 95

Getting closer…

* * *

Day 96

Oh. My. God. He is _gorgeous_. And I mean drop dead handsome. Is it even possible to get hair that long and golden?

Green eyes, _entire_ torso bare, and he has a scar too! I think I'm in love.

On the downside, the demon arm is kinda freaky…

* * *

Day 100

After trailing him for a few days, have decided that demon arm is subject that can be dealt with later. He is perfect man for me, and I am in love.

Or maybe it's just those damnable hormones again. Time will tell, I guess.

(X)

(Holds hands up in a placating manner)

This is _not_ my best work, nor is it close. It is merely something that refused to shut up and go away until I gave it the space it craved. Watch this section for Siegfried's journal next time. Until then, ciao.

Reviews, positive or otherwise, are always welcome.


	2. Siegfried

The SC Diaries

(X)

Update. And just so you know, updates on this _will_ be sparse.

Disclaimer: I own nought, save my old and not-so-trusty laptop.

(X)

Siegfried

(X)

Day 1

Dad gone off to fight in some country where people wear weird hats. Told me to be a good boy while I'm gone.

* * *

Day 2

Robbed someone today. Was surprisingly fun

* * *

Day 14

Started criminal gang. I rock.

* * *

Day 15

Mum found out about gang and sent me to bed without supper. Bah, I'm not disbanding it anyway.

* * *

Day 32

Had brilliant plan. Will waylay weary knights back home from fighting, and steal their gold. If they resists, we beat them up. If they still resist, we kill them.

What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

Day 33

Oops.

_

* * *

Unspecified amount of time later…_

* * *

Day 1

Have set out on epic quest to find father's murderer.

* * *

Day 2

Making good progress.

* * *

Day 3

Made it out of front yard. First obstacle cleared!

* * *

Day 10

This is boring

* * *

Day 12

Fought guy with giant axe. Managed to beat him.

* * *

Day 14

Okay, I'm supposed to be heading for Spain.

I think that's somewhere in Asia. Should have paid more attention in geography.

* * *

Day 15

Ended up in desert, and fought some guy with weird asian saber.

Don't mean to be critical of others, but _man_, his dress was far out! Luckily, I'm equipped with the latest in armour from Ostrheinsburg castle. Functionality and elegance, I've got 'em all.

Oh, yeah, we drawed.

* * *

Day 16

Woman with halberd chased after me and yelled something about finishing what 'Hwang' started.

Kicked her ass.

* * *

Day 17

Am not having much luck trekking through desert. Decided to turn around and head the other way.

* * *

Day 29

Am now in Prussia. Believe that I am now close to Spain.

* * *

Day 30

This whole place seems disturbingly familiar…

* * *

Day 31

Hi, mom.

* * *

Day 33

This time, I am certain I am heading in the right directions. How do I know, you ask?

I'm asking for directions. Beat that.

* * *

Day 35

Am now on border to Spain. That was fast.

* * *

Day 40

Am now in funny port town.

* * *

Day 41

Need… bactine…

Oh, yeah, I have a cool new sword with an eyeball in the blade. Kinda freaky, but cool!

* * *

Day 42

According to eyeball-sword (insists on being called Soul Edge. Bah), it can revive my father by feasting on souls.

When questioned about how absorbing _other_ souls is going to help with _dad's_ soul, it threw a hissy fit, and some giant flaming _thing_ came out of nowhere and punched me in the face.

* * *

Day 43

Well, off on another epic quest to revive dad.

Must remember to write regularly to mom. Holding a quill pen with my new arm is going to be a total bitch.

_

* * *

Approximately three years later…_

* * *

Day 1

People killed: 12

This whole revival thing is taking a stupidly long time. I mean, I _know_ dad's big of heart and all, but this is ridiculous. Three. Bloody. Years.

Sword just told me it's because the majority of souls and essences are of poor quality. Yeah, well, welcome to earth, buddy.

* * *

Day 3

People killed: 341

Walked in on an annual lawyer's convention today. Did the world a favour. Let's leave it at that.

Stupid sword just spit out all those souls. Stupid finicky eaters.

Edit: Sword says that there are some things no self-respecting piece of blacksmithery will do. And apparently one of those things is consume lawyer's souls. Is blacksmithery even a word?

Stupid flame being hit me again. I hate him so much

* * *

Day 5

People killed: 0

Saw a penguin walk by. I should probably backtrack.

* * *

Day 16

People killed: 5

Not a very good haul today.

* * *

Day 17

People killed: 5

Bah.

* * *

Day 18

People killed: Guess what? 5

This is getting a little bit boring…

* * *

Day 19

People killed: Still 5

Am I stuck in Dynasty Warriors 4 or something?

* * *

Day 20

People killed: ½

Well, I met some Greek woman with divine sword and shield, 'sent on holy quest to destroy evil blade'. I think someone might be adding 'medicinal herbs' to her drink.

Anyway, left her half dead, but the sword says that doesn't count. Whatever.

* * *

Day 21

People killed: 0

Ow. Ow. Ow. Not a good day.

First, fought guy that yelled, "This rod shall be your doom!" Disturbing imagery caused me to lose concentration and get thwacked mightily by his staff.

Then, got sucked into some weird portal void thing and watched as woman with flashy sword stabbed flame being through the gut.

And now I currently stuck somewhere in a very dry, hot place, in a middle of a giant triangular structure, trying to find my way out. A pox on the asshole who designed this thing.

_

* * *

Approximately one year later…_

* * *

Day 1

Sword is getting bitchy. Started talking about 'who's in charge here'.

Stuck it into a tree and poured lemon juice onto the eye. That ought to shut it up.

_

* * *

Approximately three years later…_

* * *

Day 1

People killed: 14

Am now under control of eyeball sword. This sucks.

* * *

Day 2

People killed: 36

Eyeball sword lacks any sense of direction. We ended up slaughtering people from the same village three times.

As a sidenote, I am now calling the eyeball sword 'eyeball sword' instead of 'Soul Edge' solely because it pisses him off.

* * *

Day 3

People killed: 4

Eyeball sword got bright idea that if we walk in a straight line sooner or later he will come across another village, and thus he doesn't need to worry about directions.

He changed his mind after walking straight through a swamp.

* * *

Day 13

People killed: 42

Sword took over body while I was sleeping. I suppose it is best not to know the details of most recent massacre. Ditto the fact that I have caked blood on my teeth.

* * *

Day 15

People killed: 0

Walked past two completely obliterated villages today. Either Asty has been revived,or city planning councils suck.

* * *

Day 19

People killed: 0

I now have a traveling companion, for some reason. She's a girl named Cassandra, and while easy on the eyes, she's just the slightest bit annoying.

I've already formulated seventeen different ways to kill her using grass and tree bark.

Yes, I was bored. What?

* * *

Day 21

People killed: Square root of negative 2

Stupid girl is refusing to let me kill anyone.

Eyeball sword is getting pissed off.

* * *

Day 22

People killed: 3.141592654

Apparently while I was sleeping, the sword decided to challenge Cassandra to a duel.

I woke up wondering why I had a broken arm.

Stupid eyeball sword.

* * *

Day 41

People killed: 0 (It's kinda hard to wield a _zweihander_ with one arm in a sling, you know.)

Apparently Cassandra knows how to treat broken arms. That's good.

What's not so good is that she's pretty much leading the way now, and that she has no sense of direction.

Eyeball sword demanded that we feast upon her soul and all that, but I poked him in the eye with my good arm.

* * *

Day 42

People killed : (Sine 90) – 1

Arm's getting better.

Sidenote: Woke up in the middle of the night to find Cassandra staring at my chest and panting. Am going to sleep with a blanket from now on.

* * *

Day 57

People killed: 0 (Why do I even bother keeping this record anymore?)

Can start using busted arm again. Joy. Still very sore though.

* * *

Day 58

People killed: Two minus cube root of eight.

Got challenged to a duel by young girl. She calls herself a 'Wind Priestess', whatever that is.

Beat her up, but received one heckuva wound to the stomach. I'm going to lie down now.

* * *

Day 59

People killed: 1 (Well, almost)

Found a little kid while walking through some fields yesterday. Was about to kill it when Cassandra started lecturing me about the evils of wanton slaughter.

Got into a big argument about protecting my image and morals. Kid took the opportunity to sneak away while we were talking.

Stupid kid.

* * *

Day 62

People killed: Nada, Zip, Zilch, Nothing, The number that cannot be used to divide anything, take your pick.

I hate Cassandra so much.

While I was sleeping, she took the Eyeball Sword away, and threw it somewhere. Furthermore, she is being totally unsympathetic about my plight. She just told me I shouldn't have been so stupid in the first place.

I'm gong to kill her one of these days. I just know it.

* * *

Day 70

People killed: 0

Eyeball sword found it's way to us. How, I have no idea, but it attempted to maul Cassandra. Which didn't work too well due to a total lack of limbs and all that. She just stomped on its eye.

All of which caused so much noise it woke me from my nap. Stupid sword. And stupid Cass.

* * *

Day 73

People killed: 1 (And this was by accident)

I was walking along the road with Cassandra behind me, minding my own business, when someone jumps at me from the side, screaming about roasted chicken.

Got into battle stance, just in case this guy tries anything funny, and then another guy runs out from behind me and impales himself onto eyeball sword.

Cassandra insisted we give him a proper burial. It started pouring buckets halfway through our little ceremony.

I hate Cassandra so very, very much.

* * *

Day 75

People killed: 0

A thought just occurred to me: Why the hell have I not killed Cassandra yet if I really hate her so much?

Then another thought came to me: Muffins.

I'm going insane. I knew it.

* * *

Day 76

People killed: 0

We are now somewhere in Greece, which is apparently Cassandra's home. She insists I join her family for dinner.

Well, if I cover up my demon arm, what could really go wrong?

* * *

Day 77

People killed: 0

Boy, this is awkward.

* * *

Day 78

People killed: 0

They are treating me well enough, but apparently they don't want Cassandra and I to leave. This is getting boring.

Cassandra just told me she's formulated a plan to get out of here. Oh, I can't _wait_.

* * *

Day 79

People killed: 0

Plan involves me jumping in front of a crowd of people with eyeball sword and to start screaming about death and blood. Then we escape in the confusion.

What a detailed and refined plan, covering all possibilities! What could _possibly_ go wrong with such a well thought-out scheme?

After reading this, Cassandra whacked me on the head with her shield. Jerk.

* * *

Day 81

People killed: 0

Well, we made it, and are on the road again.

About time too. I'm getting bloody sick of gyros.

* * *

Day 82

People killed: 7

Several Turks jumped me in the morning, demanding that I give them all their valuables. You don't really need to know more than that.

If Cassandra tells me to give them proper burials, I swear that I _will_ behead her on the spot.

* * *

Day 83

People killed: _I_ before _E_ 'cept after _C_. (What on earth does that mean?)

We've gotten a bit sidetracked. No problem, we'll find the road again in no time.

* * *

Day 84

People killed: 0

We are completely, totally, lost. It doesn't help that Cassandra and Eyeball Sword are both insisting we go off in different directions.

Hang on, someone's approaching in the distance. Maybe we can ask that person for directions…

* * *

Day 85

People killed: 0 (Dammit)

Note: Never ask Ivy for directions. Doubly so if you happen to be holding Eyeball Sword in arm.

When she saw me, she freaked out and that stupid Whip Sword thing of hers started striking at me.

I beat her up, and was about to finish her off when Cassandra told me (again) that killing is bad. When faced with statement that Ivy would kill the lot of us (including her) for happening to hold a stupid sword with an eyeball in it, not to mention it's shards, she told me to 'rise to the moral challenge' and to be the better man.

I. Hate. Cassandra. So. Much.

* * *

Day 89

People killed: 0 (You expected any different?)

We are back in the Holy Roman Empire thingy that is apparently where my home is located.

(Why on earth do they call it the Holy Roman Empire when it's not Holy, neither is it Roman, and if we are to be frank, it's not much of and Empire either?)

Anyway, I insisted that since I visited her home, she should visit mine.

I hope mom isn't mad at me for leaving home for seven years…

* * *

Day 92

People killed: 0

My mom, upon seeing the two of us bickering (as usual), informed me that we 'made such a cute couple'.

I think I stopped retching about an hour later.

Me and Cassandra? That is the single most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. There is an absolutely zero percent chance that the two of us will _ever_ hook up.

Okay, maybe not zero since dad told me never to speak in absolutes. More like 0.00000000001 percent.

Yup, that's right. No real chance at all, no siree, even if she _does_ look kinda cute, with that short blonde hair of hers and those aquamarine eyes, and she does have a rather nice looking smile and all, not to mention she at least knows how to stand up for herself, and all that…

…

…

_WHAT THE BLOODY HELL AM I WRITING?_

* * *

Day 93

People killed: 0

Upon seeing Cassandra, I locked myself in the bathroom.

Nothing else to report.

* * *

Day 95

People killed: 0

Reasons why I'm not in the least bit attracted to Cassandra:

Number One:

* * *

Day 96

People killed: 0

I am _so_ screwed. But I'm not gonna crack, you hear me? You won't get me to admit _anything_, do you hear me? I'm not gonna crack!

_And I'm sure the doormat believes you._

Shut up, Eyeball Sword. How are you moving my pen anyway?

_Telekinesis._

Bah.

* * *

Day 97

People killed: (Do insects count?)

I'm on the road again with Cassandra (whom I am _not_ in love with).

Cassandra suggested we head to a nearby town to get some supplies, and I agreed with her (not because I'm in love with her, you understand, it's purely because it's a good decision).

Therefore, I would like to reiterate the very obvious fact that I am not in love with Cassandra.

_You are pathetic. And you're also in denial._

Shut up.

* * *

Day 99

People killed: 0 (This is the last day I'm going to bother to keep this stupid record.)

Alright! Fine! I admit it! Attention world, I'm in love with Cassandra! Can you folks in outer Mongolia hear me?

_I'M IN LOVE WITH CASSANDRA AND I DON'T CARE WHAT ANY OF YOU SAY ABOUT IT!_

She's reading over my shoulder, isn't she.

**Yes. Yes, I am.**

Fudge.

* * *

Day 100

Number of kisses: 6 (and counting)

Maybe life isn't so bad after all.

(X)

Another chapter done.

Regretfully (well, to some people, anyway), we shall be leaving Siegfried and Cassandra to their personal affairs (rest assured, they have plenty. Especially concerning each other) while we focus on a somewhat angsty staff-wielding prettyboy.

You have three guesses, the first two don't count.

(X)

Please review.


End file.
